


Avon Calling!

by MamaZoom



Category: The Mighty Boosh (TV)
Genre: Anal Sex, M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-31
Updated: 2013-01-31
Packaged: 2017-11-27 14:57:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/663312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MamaZoom/pseuds/MamaZoom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Warnings: Oh. Just the usual. Slash. Gratuitous amounts of smut. My usual twisted sense of humor. The basics, really.<br/>Special Features: A brief mention of Bartok. Make up brushes. Ultra-fem!Vince. Blushing!Howard.</p><p>Author's Note: Oh. Dear. I've clearly gone wrong. This was basically a request from my fabulous F-list [on LJ] who brought to my attention the necessity of a celebratory fic if I got a job at Avon. Which I did. So, with love, this fic is dedicated to: [name withheld] who thought of it, [name withheld] who seconded it, [name withheld] who died all over my post with laughter when she read it, and finally, [name withheld] who kept on my ass like a flannel and held my requested fic ransom until I wrote this.</p><p>Avon, obviously, does not indorse this fic, the reading of this fic, or using any of their products as demonstrated in this fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Avon Calling!

Howard stood behind the counter of the Nabootique, alone and aggravated. It was eight a.m. on a Monday, and Vince was displaying a total disregard for work-place procedure. As per usual. And it wasn't as though Howard hadn't tried to wake him up in the nicest way possible. They lay tangled in their bed (twin mattresses that had gotten closer and closer over the years, until finally they collided to make one giant nest of bedsheets), Howard gently kissing him awake and bringing him tea. Being a perfect gentleman in the situation, as though they made a handbook for this sort of scenario. "How To Treat Your Lifelong Mate After Two Months Of Shagging", that he'd consulted thoroughly.

But Howard couldn't blame the poor sod, really. Not after last night. Was it any wonder Vince was so knackered? No, Sir! Monsoon Moon comin' atcha! He'd shown him what-for-and-why, oh yes in deedy! "Man of Action" now had a special meaning.

Howard feigned a bored sigh, although he was the only one in the shop to hear it, and anyone who may have been in there to hear wouldn't have bought his acting chops, anyway, as a wistful smile turned the corners of his lips upwards into the corners of his mustache. A strange "O" at the bottom of his face.

He set about alphabetizing the records he had displayed for sale, stopping only once he reached Bartok and trying to recall the first few notes of the second movement of "String Quartet No. 2". He gave up when he heard the bell above the door ring. And all but dropped the record when he heard a voice chime "Avon calling!"

He didn't know if it was the words that made his heart leap into his throat or the voice that spoke them. Either way, he felt as though he was asphyxiating. He spun on his heel to catch sight of Vince stood in the doorway, over sized handbag at his side, smile on his face. To the causal observer, Vince would have looked innocent. I would not be the clothes that would give that impression. Certainly not. No one could look like a perfect angel in tight black drainpipes, white knee high Chelsea boots and a flow-y see-through top. No. It was the wide, vacant stare that would fool people. People too careless or too caught up to see the eyebrow cocked just a fraction of an inch above the deceitfully innocent right eye.

Ah, yes. This was so like Vince that Howard felt like an utter fool for not having seen it coming. Last night, as they lay sleepy and sated, Vince had asked Howard of his more secret turn ons. Private kinks. Of course bookmarks. That was obvious. And sellotape. Everyone knew of Howard's freakish love of stationary. Then he let one slip that actually surprised Vince. Howard had a thing for Avon Ladies. It was one of those weird attractions that could not be accounted for. Howard didn't see a naked Avon lady in his youth. He didn't lose his virginity to one (unless you count the one currently standing in the doorway.). He just always found them to be sexy. He didn't know why.

Howard cleared his throat and opened his mouth, but no sound escaped.

Vince just smirked, stepping closer until there was only the counter separating them. "Perhaps," he whispered, "you'd like to sample what I have to offer?"

"Oh, god yes!" Howard breathed, sounding a little too eager.

Vince led Howard to the red barber's chair, pushing him down gently. Vince reached into his big bag and pulled out a large makeup brush. "This," he held it before him in reverence, as though it were Excalibur, rather than a makeup brush "is the best powder foundation applicator in the world! It holds on to the powder beautifully and it's soft." He brushed it over Howard's face--making a feather-light trail from cheekbone to jaw. Howard shuddered.

"I'm not sure I'm sold on it just yet." He replied.

"Oh, well. Let's try this, then." Vince unbuttoned Howard's shirt, pushing it off his shoulders. He trailed the bristles of the brush across Howard's collarbones, down further over his nipples. He watched Howard squirm and sigh. "You like?"

Howard gasped as the bristles ghosted over his tensing stomach. "Yes. It's a f-fine quality." He stuttered.

Vince climbed up precariously onto Howard's lap, straddling him. "It is indeed." He smiled down cheekily at Howard, dropping a little more of his weight down and grinding against Howard's swollen member.

Howard moaned, unable to suppress it. "What else you got in that bag?"

Vince's smile widened as he bent sideways to retrieve it. He pulled out a little tube of lip gloss.

"You're not putting that on me!" Howard protested. Although if Vince kept moving against him the way he was, he wasn't sure there was anything he wouldn't let him do.

Vince untwisted the lid, pulling the applicator free. "Not directly, anyway." he mumbled, applying the gloss to his pouted lips and enjoying the way Howard watched him intently. He closed up the lip gloss and smiled. "Wanna know what flavour it is?"

Howard licked his own lips, which were suddenly dry. "Yes."

Vince lent in, pushing his mouth against Howard's. Howard moaned as his tongue breached the younger man's lips. He tasted of cherries and Fizzy Cola Bottles. He brought his hands up and tangled them in Vince's hair, deepening the kiss. He felt Vince moan low in his throat, his cock bumping against Howard's.

"More! I need more!" Howard gasped when the finally came up for air.

Vince giggled, reaching for his bag again. "I've never seen a man so excited about cosmetics before. Well, if you don't count me and Leroy during--"

Howard slapped the bag out of Vince's hand. "Sod it! You! I need more of you!"

Vince looked downright outraged, diving after the bag. "There's something we're gunna need in there, you berk!"

When he came back up into Howard's view, he was holding a bottle of Skin So Soft lotion.

Howard let a noise escape his lips unlike anything Vince had heard before. It was pure need. The kind that was so naked and raw it almost sounded like anger.

Vince went to work unbuttoning and unzipping their trousers as Howard uncapped the bottle.

They moaned in unison once Vince pulled them free--their lengths bumping and bobbing obscenely against each other.

"You're gunna have to do the honors. Your hands are bigger." Vince breathed, resting his forehead against Howard's.

Howard nodded, squirting a liberal amount of SSS into his hand and wrapping it around both their cocks. Vince shuddered violently, gasping and moving his face to the crook of Howard's neck.

Howard set the pace, soft and slow until Vince started to whine. "Faster, yeah? Oh! God, yes! 'Oward!"

Howard was close, too, goaded on by the noises Vince made and the way the younger man was all but fucking his fist, bucking upwards into it relentlessly.

"'Oward! Gunna--"

"Me tooAH!"

They sat there for a few moments, waiting for the aftershocks to pass. Finally, Vince lifted his head to look down at Howard and spoke.

"I take it by the looks of my blouse I did a good job?" He ran a finger through their commingled release which had pooled right under the fourth button down, keeping his eyes locked on Howard as he raised the finger to his mouth and licked it clean.

Howard squeezed his eyes shut, the sight almost too much. "Christ-y! Vince! Are you trying to kill me?!"

Vince kissed both of Howard's eyes and set about cleaning them up. Luckily, he had thought ahead of time to toss tissue into his bag. Sadly, though, a wad of tissue the size of Xooberon couldn't save his blouse. He peeled it off and tossed it to the floor. "You didn't answer my question, Moon." he said as he tucked himself back in, buttoning and zipping his jeans.

Howard kissed Vince gently on the lips. "Yes. I couldn't have imagined it better than you did it."

Vince got up as Howard made himself more presentable and flipped the "Closed" sign over to "Open", another thing he was grateful he'd remembered to do. "Does this mean you'd be willing to help me act out one of my fantasies, then?"

Howard rolled the idea around in his mind a little before answering. "Yes." he finally concluded with a smile. "I think I'd like reliving my binman days again, anyway."


End file.
